Expressions to avoid during a recording session

When Steely Dan reformed in the 1990s, their website was an extension of Fagen and Becker's sardonic humour. This list appeared on the site, together with things like '36 Rules for Bands'. Anyone who has been in a band, or in a studio, should get a laugh or two out of this.

EXPRESSIONS TO AVOID DURING A RECORDING SESSION

1.     Ready, Freddie (pronounced red-eye fred-eye)

2.     Bingo, gringo

3.     Uno, Bruno

4.     The phones sound O.K. but I need more of myself

5.     We won't need a click

6.     I like what you're trying to do but not the way you're doing it

7.     An excellent first attempt

8.     Was that the sound you had on the demo?

9.     Make the click louder

10.   That was a pretty good take for this time of night

11.   If you want the tempo any brighter than that, we better wait for a sunny day

12.   No dynamics? We're playing as loud as we can

13.   I think that's a pretty good sounding take for what were getting paid..

14.   That was great, let's do it again

15.   Is that about as tight as you boys want to get it?

16.   Is it possible the click is speeding up?

17.   I'm at the point where I'm making dumb mistakes - before I was making much smarter  mistakes

18.   So many drummers, so little time

19.  Why don't we do the double first and the lead will be easier to get once we've got the double

20.   I never had this problem when I was being produced by Lenny and Russ

21.   We got some things, we need some things

22.   Fabulous

23.   Punch in at the section

24.   You can't make ice cream out of shit

25.   You can't polish a turd

26.   Just let your spirit soar

27.   My spirit's already sore from the last thirty takes...

28.   Close

29.   Less is more

30.   Less is Paul

31.   Less is Brown

32.   Less is less

33.   That's the way I've been playing it all along

34.   I just wish I could get a whole band that sounds as good as I do

35.   This will be a great opportunity for me to show off my chop

36.   Let's hear the bass, if you can call it that

37.   Does your amp have an underdrive channel?

38.   You can erase that one, I remember exactly what I played

39.   We'll catch that in the mix

40.   You guys can fix that in Soundtools, right?

41.   I brought my kid along, he's never been in a recording studio before

42.   My girlfriend sings great background vocals

43.   I know a great drummer

44.   You guys want to try some heroin?

45.   Your girlfriend's been in the bathroom a long time

46.   Please, man, stay away from my faxes, okay?

47.   I'm not going to be any more dishonest with you than I am with Donald

48.   I'd like a little more of a live feeling on this tune.

49.   I also play eleven other instruments

50.   Sorry I'm late, I just got through with my blood test (or CAT scan)

51.   That vocal's not a keeper is it?

52.   That's how I wrote it but that's not how I like to play it

53.   I can't think of any improvements that won't make it worse

54.   That ground loop is a trademark thing for me

55.   That's the new old comp from today - I want to hear the new old comp from last Tuesday

56.   That reverb would sound a lot better if it were coming out of a piece of MY GEAR

57.   How bout we get rid of these 3M machines and get ourselves a frozen yogurt machine

58.   Skunk called, he's on his way down

59.   The frozen yogurt machine is broken

60.   When was the last time we worked together? Tonight.

While we're on the subject of behaviour in the studio, here's a glimpse of what it was like to be in the studio back in the day (early 1980s) with legendary producer Quincy Jones. My reaction in the comments section (from 2009 apparently) is: have they been at the nose candy or what?

"I Love Quincy" documentary from 1982, featuring Patti Austin 

recording the song "It's Gonna Be Special"