Originally posted
on the Steely Dan website in the 1990s. Enjoy
~36 RULES FOR BANDS:~
1. Never start a trio with a married
couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire
him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up
the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your
songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than
4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never
funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't
act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The
Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just
amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if
it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim
to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and
"a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was
the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs
and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the
bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings:
"rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam",
"swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or
they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents
or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to
your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a
gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing
platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine
doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush
songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles
and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them
between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers
be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music
sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a
professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got
for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so
difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo,
destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your
head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit.
Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label
interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500
guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back:
a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
See also: Expressions to avoid in a recording studio
https://bangnzdrum.blogspot.com/2019/12/expressions-to-avoid-in-recording-studio.html
https://bangnzdrum.blogspot.com/2019/12/expressions-to-avoid-in-recording-studio.html
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